Just a thought

I went home for Thanksgiving to hang out with my mom and whomever i got to hang out with that week.  I went back to my college to say hi to a few of my professors which actually became really insightful.  One of them had said “well why do you want to come back to New England now? You’re still young, you got plenty of time to come back, like when you retire”.  

That same week i had also went back to visit my old boss at work, the one who was like a dad to me.  I’m not sure what it was but something had changed about him or maybe just his outlook had.  Not sure.  But he wasn’t the same old guy that I had known, not as welcoming.  Maybe I was outgrowing the life I had before I had moved to OKC.  It was a very unsettling feeling but at the same time an eye opener.  The women that also worked there that never really liked me, were also in the same room as him.  They looked at me like I had ten heads when I had walked in to say bye to him.  You could tell they were judging me.  I actually sort of enjoyed it because unbeknownst to them, I’m really successful in what I do and will probably do more in my lifetime then they ever will.  Made me feel proud of myself that I’m actually doing something.

With all that being said, it made me realize I have nothing left back in my hometown.  No one misses me (except for the fam of course), no one cares I’m gone, no one really even thinks about me.  So the questions was, “why do I really even want to come back here, why do I feel the need to feel like MA is the only place I can live?”  Realizing all of this helped me cope with how I’m in OKC and also how it’s an opportunity to start a life of my own.  Start fresh without people knowing my past, without people judging anything about me.  Which got me excited!

Also being newly single, it all kind of started coming together.  Being forced to figure out what I enjoy and what I want etc.  It’s def pushed me to really start figuring out the mechanics of my bike, start talking to people, and just do things I want; even if it is by myself.

On a different note…why can’t life be like these dang country songs?  A man that is crazy about you and doesn’t lead you on, doesn’t play the mind games, getting dirty in the mud, going to bonfires, etc?  I mean, I understand life isn’t all about partying and mostly everyone that knows me knows, that I’m not all about parties.  But I want to go have fun.  I want to meet people that hang out, makes fires, has a good time, listens to music, likes dirtbikes, just all around good time.  

Also, what is it with finding someone you could possibly see something in and then them calling it quits? What is this?  I don’t understand it.  I see all my friends getting married, having kids, having lives.  When is it going to be my turn?!  I know I’m not suppose to compare myself to others because obviously what you see on social networks is only the good times people have and not all the other in between stuff.  It’s just hard.  I know I sound whiny but I really don’t care, this is my blog to vent on so I’m venting.  I just want a man that is into what I’m into, doesn’t care that I’m a wicked tom boy, is willing to teach me things without being an arse about it, wants to go do stupid things with me, will be proud of me and show me off, etc.  Who knows if this will ever happen but maybe someday it will.  I’m not sure.  I’m trying not to search but it’s hard to…argh 

15 People On The Most Difficult Things You Will Learn In Your 20s

Some of these are real good, I need to revisit this and write some down so I can remember them and exercise them because they would be very helpful. I’m getting to the end of my 20’s and have maybe realized only a few of these things. great read.

Thought Catalog

Read some life lessons provided by 15 people from Quora. If you’re just on the cusp of becoming a 20-something, or currently a 20-something, or even past being a 20-something, let us know in the comments of things you’ve learned in your life.

1. Arjuna Perkins

1. Humility. This is the decade of failure. And that’s ok – it’s probably the first time in your life you’ve had to contend with most of the things you’re taking on. Supporting yourself, managing your time / stress / relationships, figuring out what role you want work / study / spirituality / etc. to play in your life. Very few get through their 20’s without some serious soul searching and questioning of fundamental beliefs and habits… And I don’t envy those who do. This is the best time in your life to be making mistakes. It gets steadily less socially acceptable as…

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“It’s the frien…

“It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.”
― Marlene Dietrich

“It isn’t a best friend’s job to tell you what you WANT to hear, but it IS their job to tell you what you NEED to hear”
-not sure

“Friends are hard to find. In a lifetime you get only a few. And when you find them, you always know them by sight and heart alone , you always grow a little bit taller in your soul, and you know you have been blessed just to know them.”
-Ashley Rice

There are a few quotes I found on friendship that I liked.  I know it’s more than one but I couldn’t just choose one, they all seem to relate to at least three of my closest friends.

I haven’t been one of those people who’ve always had the huge group of friends that they always hang out and party with.  I’ve never been much for partying, drinking, etc.  I was always made fun of growing up and always seen as an outcast or one that went against the grain.  I am proud of that because I hate being a follower per say and doing something just because everyone else is doing it.  I wasn’t the perfect person, I’ve had my faults and wasn’t always on the receiving end of getting a hard time, I gave it as well.  I’m not proud of it but I guess that’s how it is growing up and it’s made me stronger from just being able to get through it.

I have however, met a few people in my life that are worth keeping around for as long as I can.  I am reminded of that at least once every day because of one of my really good girlfriends I met while in the oilfield.  We had met way back when we were first very new to the field.  I had a few months “senior” to her, not senior at all but you know what I mean… At first I honestly was taken back by her and wasn’t too fond.  This really only comes from the fact I didn’t get along with females all that often.  She talked just as much as me, she liked the same things as me, and she was flirting with the same guy as me (though she says she wasn’t 😛 )…all reasons as to why I didn’t “like” her at first.  Then we started getting to know one another because we would always talk whenever either one of us were having issues on the rig.  I’d call her complaining about so and so and she’d call complaining about how the trailers were always moldy and she ended up working with the worse possible person.  After getting to actually know her she became a VERY good friend of mine, one who is ALWAYS there for me no matter what the issue.  She tells me how it is even though she knows the truth hurts..but she’s also there to catch me after she breaks the news.  No matter what’s going on in her life, what time of day, or whatever the situation is, she’s always there to lend an ear.  Whenever we actually get together we always have a blast doing the stupidest girly things we can possibly come up with.  Heck, the last time we got together we were both not in the greatest of moods and were trying to cheer eachother up and all we did was eat the entire weekend.  We would then go back to the hotel with tubs of icecream.  I love her.  She also had lent me some cash when my bank decided to put a hold thinking someone had stolen my card and was using it in five different states.  It was really because I had driven from PA to OK, from OKC to Boston, from Boston to OKC, and then to hang out with her wen to Dallas so they had thought someone stole it.  She just as iffy on lending people money as I am, so to me it showed me how much she trusted me and valued our friendship.  I honestly don’t know what I would do without her.  I don’t have too many female friends in fact I can count them on two fingers, but for the ones I have I’m very grateful.

This past night/day for me since I’m working the overnights, I was again reminded how I have good friends because someone whom I met on the rigs had texted me.  He’s always been a goof and an arsehole all in one but that’s also me.  We both tell it how it is and it wasn’t until lastnight I realized he’s really got my back.  He told me how it was and told me I’m afraid of being alone and that I need to step up.  Then we just talked for the rest of the night via text because he was on the way to work and yeh.  It was just a real good conversation.

It’s awesome to know how I really do got friends out there that really do watch my back and try and lead me in the right direction.  I may not always listen but they are always there for me.

I do have another friend that I’ve know for about 7 or 8 years now but that is a story for a later time, if I ever get to it.

My other friend is in California, I feel like we have almost lost touch in a way as in we don’t talk to each other as we use to.  Although, recently since she just moved to Cali for school, she has contacted me about various things because she knows how I’ve been moving around a lot and we just talk about being so far from home.  She’s awesome as well and I enjoy talking and helping her out because I was in the same position as her at one point.  She IM’s me via facebook asking if her chicken is thoroughly cooked because she’s afraid of eating raw chicken.  I’ve gone through the same things and I just keep telling her, cook it, take it out and cut it open, see if it’s white and if not stick it back in.  Also, don’t get down on yourself if you end up ruining a few dishes from overcooking it, I have been there many a time.  It’s just nice to see how the wheel keeps turning, you learned from someone and then now you try and teach them the same things.  I know she’ll figure it out and I keep telling her to keep at it and to not give up because one day she will get it.  This friendship is funny only because it was another one where everyone thought her and I wouldn’t get along at all because we are both outgoing and always want the attention.  But we got over ourselves and got along really good.

The only thing that stinks with all of these close friends I have is that they are all spread out over the U.S.  Two are from MA but one is in Cali right now, one is from PA but is in TX (6 hours not so bad) but she works in the Gulf, and then the other is from MI and works in Kentucky.  What’s a girl to do?  Well, I just keep texting and calling, that’s all I can do.

Things My Therapist Has Taught Me

This is a good read.

Sips of Jen and Tonic

bc425f09027fd13912ac10b6728e4ea3I don’t typically write serious subject matter on this blog, but a few months ago I wrote about my desire to seek therapy for a myriad of issues I’ve faced for years. A woman of my word, I began going almost immediately.

I don’t like talking to friends or family members about my problems so the idea of talking to a stranger about my innermost thoughts really put me off. Luckily, I found someone totally aces on the first try, and she has taught me some very valuable things in our time together so far.

How you feel about yourself is not a democracy.

I would never have described myself as a “people pleaser” until I started seeing her. Now I can’t believe I never saw it before. In every facet of my life I am living for someone else: at work, in relationships, with my family, among friends. No…

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Restart

Regaining myself after realizing I’m the writer of my story and no one else.  As much as I’m sad to see things go in my life that I always thought would be there and that i wanted there I’m content with leaving them behind.  If they want to continue to be there then they can make the effort because I had already showed them the effort on my behalf.  Instead of dwelling on living in OKC and not in New England I decided to get out there and do stuff that I enjoy.  I signed up on dirt bike forums to meet people and dirt bike.  Hopefully learn some things from them including how to work on a bike though, I do already know how to change the oil and I also clean my bike after each ride, then lube the chain, etc.  But instead of depending on someone else and thinking that if they weren’t around I wouldn’t be able to take care of this bike that I have.  I’m taking a stand and considering I’d still like to ride that I’m going to learn how to do all of the things I need to do.  If I can’t do them then I’ll bring it by the shop and pay for someone to help me out.  I’m an intellectual person that if you teach me something it may take me a couple of tries, but I will eventually understand it and become proficient.  I just need to start asking questions and learning, we are all capable of learning.  

The next thing I’m doing is I also signed up for a meet up type thing where you join groups that you are interested in and they have meetups to get together and have fun doing whatever it is.  Some of them cost money which is unfortunate because at this time I’m not looking to spend too much extra money.  I’d rather just spend it on what I need to spend it on.  But I really am just looking to meet people and to find things that I enjoy to do and would like to do.  

I’m also going to start going to the gym more as well as volunteering at the animal shelter.  I hate being inside all the time.  Seeing that it appears I’ll be busy with all of this type of stuff that’s the cool part about not being obligated to do anything.  It’s volunteer stuff and if I don’t want to go I don’t have to go and then i can have a day to myself.  

I’m really hoping to make some friends that are into what I like to do because I’m really not into the bar scene like I have mentioned before and I’m more into the outdoor scene and doing something physical where I’m not just sitting on my butt.  I just need to regain my motivation to get out and to do these things that I’m saying I want to do.  I hope this isn’t just one of those things that are going to fade away.  I don’t see everything fading away because I def. want to learn about bikes and continue to do that but also because I hope that I will find some friends to continue to do things with.  

I also plan on seeing if I am still able to go up to a friend’s farm and hang out with them doing whatever.  I would love to learn their way of life of how they keep up with the farm and animals that they have.  Also, I’d just like to help out where needed.  As much as someone had called me selfish or “all about me”, I’m really not.  Given the chance or asked to help, I would help someone out.  But you have to show me that you are worth my time because if you are just asking because you are too lazy then I’m not willing to help.  If that makes me a horrible person then it does but I don’t believe it’s a bad thing.  Someone had also said that people should do nice things without expecting anything in return because that’s not how this world works.  Well, I do understand and can agree however, I still don’t see me doing outrageously nice things for people if they can’t do anything nice in return.  And nice in return not necessarily for me but for someone else, like “Pay it Forward”.  If I don’t see that you are a nice person then why should I help you?  Is that wrong of me to think?

My other thing is trust.  Some people would say I have trust issues however, I believe that with the experiences I’ve had in the past it has shaped me into how I think now.  Meaning that, trusting people before and having them stab me in the back has made me more cautious in choosing people to trust.  That doesn’t mean I won’t give people a chance to prove that I can trust them.  I will trust people with certain level of things to figure out if they are worth trusting or not.  I’m also a big observer.  I observe how people act, are with other people, what they tell me, just everything.  It helps me determine how much trust and how much effort and time I will put into getting to know someone as well as telling them things about me or what’s going on in  my life.  Something I’ve learned since moving from Boston and working in PA to coming to OKC, is that I need to separate work people from personal life people.  It seems to keep biting me in the butt every time I decide to confide in someone at work.  I feel like they can also use information about me against me in future instances to get ahead in work.  It’s not that I’m paranoid its just that I’ve seen it happen and have had things bite me in the butt.  Therefore, from now on, I will no longer confide really personal details to people I work with.  Unless I’ve worked with them for a long time and have had ample time to get to know them as a person in and out of work.  If I’m thinking too nuts then let me know but I’m drawing from life experiences that I’ve had over the past few years.  

I’m also thinking about picking up crocheting and crafts.  Small crafts because I don’t have much space or organizing things to be able to go all out.  Plus I don’t want the hassle of moving it all around whenever I have to pick up and leave again.  I’m making christmas ornaments and things this year for Christmas presents.  I don’t have all the cash in the world and thought maybe people would like a homemade thing.  Granted, the ones I got are laid out and pre-made which isn’t totally unique but give me a little credit.  I’m at least sitting down and putting it all together.  One of my ideas is all me putting it together.  Not sure who will get what but once I have it all made I can lay it all out and figure it out.  Maybe even make more personal gifts for a few people.  We will see.  Sometimes I say I’ll do something and then forget about it.  Though, I honestly don’t have much going on so taking my time up with crafts isn’t a horrible idea.  

Anyway, going on with life and with changes is a somewhat hard thing that I’m learning how to go with and not worry too much about.  Learning that I need to go out and explore things on my own and grow as a person and figure out who I am and what makes me, me.  I’v been doing a not so good job at it but you have to agree a little that working 84 hours a week when I first go out of college, didn’t leave too much room for a life considering I didn’t have my own place.  Now that I’ve moved to OKC and have my own place, I’m able to start all these things.  That’s another thing.  I may start looking into a church to go to.  My mom had mentioned a unitarian (?) type church, not sure if that’s the name but that’s what I’m going to look for.  She said it focuses on a more earthy tone rather than a “Jesus” one.  Not putting down anyone’s religion, just trying to figure out what I like and what I’m about.  We will see. 🙂Image

Here is a pic of a tree in OKC.  I love Autumn colors 🙂  Being outdoors and seeing things like this is kind of being in a church for me.  It’s where I find myself being grounded.

Feeling lost

I’ve always been one to have goals and dreams because it keeps me going day to day.  After college I feel like I’ve just been lost in this thing called life, cliche..I know.  But seriously, I’m not sure if I’ve just lost focus or if I’m putting too much pressure on myself to be somewhere that I can’t actually be yet because of money and or time.  Maybe this being lost feeling comes from constantly comparing my life to others lives as I observe them each and every day.  Or, as I read through facebook posts where friends and family are talking about their families they have, their future plans, their plans of going out with friends that night, etc.  I don’t have any of that.  Is it because of the job I’m in, the job I went to strait out of college?  In a way I feel like the job I took has jaded me, living the life of a girl in the oil field is quite hard.  Also, working 84 hours a week is also a little challenging.  I’m not trying to make excuses, I’m just trying to figure out how to fix this empty, lost, and lonely feeling.

Maybe moving around so much from when I was little has hindered having those life long friends that some people, most people, have and enjoy and can confide in on a day to day basis.  However, you would think I would have learned how to make friends because of moving around so much and always having to make new friends.  It’s hard though, being in the real world and learning that work life and personal life should be separated, who to trust, how to trust, etc.  I don’t believe I have trust issues because I do give people the benefit of the doubt but I also observe people, how they act, how they talk, what they do, etc and I can usually pick out trustworthy people; if you break my trust is when i stop talking.  Maybe I’m unapproachable?  I’m not sure the issue but I’ve already made a decision that I do not want to befriend people from my work, therefore, I must get off my lazy butt on my days off and start getting out there and meeting new people.  I think that can only help sort of show me some light of where I’m going in life.  Maybe clear up some of the questions or feelings of emptiness.  Who knows.

I still have a focus on what I want in my future and I do keep working to it.  I don’t believe that the job I have now is a definite career job.  It’s definitely not a place I’d want to stay very long, as in the state I’m currently living in.  I do however, like the oil field and I’ve learned a lot since getting this job that it’s def paid off.  Maybe I need to start looking at the positives I have in my life rather than what I don’t have in my life.  Saying this is easier than doing this though.  Maybe I need to write down a list so i can see it each and every day of the things I’ve accomplished thus far in my life as to maybe start making me happy rather than sad.  My mom always tells me I don’t give myself enough credit.  I did graduate college, I did find a job in my field, I bought a brand new truck which is my dream car, I’ve moved across country or what feel like cross country, I’ve worked on drilling rigs, I’ve met a boat load of new people, I can pay for an apartment which is my first apartment that I’m not sharing, I’m paying off my student loans, etc.  Granted by the end of the month I’m running pretty low on money but maybe that’s the way it is for a 26 year old just starting off.  Maybe I should stop comparing myself to others whom are either older or come from a different type of setting as I did.  I mean, instead of taking a drug and alcohol addiction road, I chose to go to school and get my degree and to continue on with a career to hopefully work to my dreams of buying my first house and having a family.  It could of been a whole lot worse and statistically I was supposed to go down the road of drug and alcohol though because of my grandparents and my Aunt and Uncle, I was lucky enough to not do that and to be successful.

I’m just sick of being in a constant state of worry.  I worry ALL the time.  I’m not sure why but I can’t stop worrying.  Worrying about my future, where I’m going to be at, if I’m ever going to get back to Massachusetts, back to where my family is at, whether I can afford my bills without getting into debt…there is just so much to think about.  I always thought I’d be able to handle real, real life but I feel like I’m failing at that.  Though again, there are a lot of students who have graduated who can’t pay off their student loans and are getting into issues with them so I should be proud that I am paying them off as well as being able to pay for the other things in my life.  I just hope that not everything hits me at once again.  There are a few things that I’m soon going to need and want that cost some big bucks and then also wanting to fly home for the holidays, plane tickets are not cheap.  It saddens me how much money is a HUGE factor in our lives.  I wish there was not so many issues with money and that people could just enjoy life.  Who ever invented money in the first place, why don’t we go back to trading (haha).  I just don’t want to get lost in working so hard to try and make the most to have a better life.  I want to be able to enjoy life for what it’s worth and to find someone to grow old with.  I hope this all happens but like I said, I need to stat getting my butt out the door and exploring and meeting new people.  I need to start figuring out a life for myself.  I believe a step I will eventually need to take is working at a job where I’m not working for 12 hours a day, 7 days a week and a job where I’m helping/teaching people but being in my field of geology.  Who knows.  It’s all open ended.Image

This is a picture of a drilling rig I worked on.  It’s actually fun and the area I worked was absolutely beautiful.  I miss it everyday I wake up in OKC where there are no hills and big trees.  But I got to start making the best out of situations like I use to do.