I’ve always been one to have goals and dreams because it keeps me going day to day. After college I feel like I’ve just been lost in this thing called life, cliche..I know. But seriously, I’m not sure if I’ve just lost focus or if I’m putting too much pressure on myself to be somewhere that I can’t actually be yet because of money and or time. Maybe this being lost feeling comes from constantly comparing my life to others lives as I observe them each and every day. Or, as I read through facebook posts where friends and family are talking about their families they have, their future plans, their plans of going out with friends that night, etc. I don’t have any of that. Is it because of the job I’m in, the job I went to strait out of college? In a way I feel like the job I took has jaded me, living the life of a girl in the oil field is quite hard. Also, working 84 hours a week is also a little challenging. I’m not trying to make excuses, I’m just trying to figure out how to fix this empty, lost, and lonely feeling.
Maybe moving around so much from when I was little has hindered having those life long friends that some people, most people, have and enjoy and can confide in on a day to day basis. However, you would think I would have learned how to make friends because of moving around so much and always having to make new friends. It’s hard though, being in the real world and learning that work life and personal life should be separated, who to trust, how to trust, etc. I don’t believe I have trust issues because I do give people the benefit of the doubt but I also observe people, how they act, how they talk, what they do, etc and I can usually pick out trustworthy people; if you break my trust is when i stop talking. Maybe I’m unapproachable? I’m not sure the issue but I’ve already made a decision that I do not want to befriend people from my work, therefore, I must get off my lazy butt on my days off and start getting out there and meeting new people. I think that can only help sort of show me some light of where I’m going in life. Maybe clear up some of the questions or feelings of emptiness. Who knows.
I still have a focus on what I want in my future and I do keep working to it. I don’t believe that the job I have now is a definite career job. It’s definitely not a place I’d want to stay very long, as in the state I’m currently living in. I do however, like the oil field and I’ve learned a lot since getting this job that it’s def paid off. Maybe I need to start looking at the positives I have in my life rather than what I don’t have in my life. Saying this is easier than doing this though. Maybe I need to write down a list so i can see it each and every day of the things I’ve accomplished thus far in my life as to maybe start making me happy rather than sad. My mom always tells me I don’t give myself enough credit. I did graduate college, I did find a job in my field, I bought a brand new truck which is my dream car, I’ve moved across country or what feel like cross country, I’ve worked on drilling rigs, I’ve met a boat load of new people, I can pay for an apartment which is my first apartment that I’m not sharing, I’m paying off my student loans, etc. Granted by the end of the month I’m running pretty low on money but maybe that’s the way it is for a 26 year old just starting off. Maybe I should stop comparing myself to others whom are either older or come from a different type of setting as I did. I mean, instead of taking a drug and alcohol addiction road, I chose to go to school and get my degree and to continue on with a career to hopefully work to my dreams of buying my first house and having a family. It could of been a whole lot worse and statistically I was supposed to go down the road of drug and alcohol though because of my grandparents and my Aunt and Uncle, I was lucky enough to not do that and to be successful.
I’m just sick of being in a constant state of worry. I worry ALL the time. I’m not sure why but I can’t stop worrying. Worrying about my future, where I’m going to be at, if I’m ever going to get back to Massachusetts, back to where my family is at, whether I can afford my bills without getting into debt…there is just so much to think about. I always thought I’d be able to handle real, real life but I feel like I’m failing at that. Though again, there are a lot of students who have graduated who can’t pay off their student loans and are getting into issues with them so I should be proud that I am paying them off as well as being able to pay for the other things in my life. I just hope that not everything hits me at once again. There are a few things that I’m soon going to need and want that cost some big bucks and then also wanting to fly home for the holidays, plane tickets are not cheap. It saddens me how much money is a HUGE factor in our lives. I wish there was not so many issues with money and that people could just enjoy life. Who ever invented money in the first place, why don’t we go back to trading (haha). I just don’t want to get lost in working so hard to try and make the most to have a better life. I want to be able to enjoy life for what it’s worth and to find someone to grow old with. I hope this all happens but like I said, I need to stat getting my butt out the door and exploring and meeting new people. I need to start figuring out a life for myself. I believe a step I will eventually need to take is working at a job where I’m not working for 12 hours a day, 7 days a week and a job where I’m helping/teaching people but being in my field of geology. Who knows. It’s all open ended.
This is a picture of a drilling rig I worked on. It’s actually fun and the area I worked was absolutely beautiful. I miss it everyday I wake up in OKC where there are no hills and big trees. But I got to start making the best out of situations like I use to do.