Restart

Regaining myself after realizing I’m the writer of my story and no one else.  As much as I’m sad to see things go in my life that I always thought would be there and that i wanted there I’m content with leaving them behind.  If they want to continue to be there then they can make the effort because I had already showed them the effort on my behalf.  Instead of dwelling on living in OKC and not in New England I decided to get out there and do stuff that I enjoy.  I signed up on dirt bike forums to meet people and dirt bike.  Hopefully learn some things from them including how to work on a bike though, I do already know how to change the oil and I also clean my bike after each ride, then lube the chain, etc.  But instead of depending on someone else and thinking that if they weren’t around I wouldn’t be able to take care of this bike that I have.  I’m taking a stand and considering I’d still like to ride that I’m going to learn how to do all of the things I need to do.  If I can’t do them then I’ll bring it by the shop and pay for someone to help me out.  I’m an intellectual person that if you teach me something it may take me a couple of tries, but I will eventually understand it and become proficient.  I just need to start asking questions and learning, we are all capable of learning.  

The next thing I’m doing is I also signed up for a meet up type thing where you join groups that you are interested in and they have meetups to get together and have fun doing whatever it is.  Some of them cost money which is unfortunate because at this time I’m not looking to spend too much extra money.  I’d rather just spend it on what I need to spend it on.  But I really am just looking to meet people and to find things that I enjoy to do and would like to do.  

I’m also going to start going to the gym more as well as volunteering at the animal shelter.  I hate being inside all the time.  Seeing that it appears I’ll be busy with all of this type of stuff that’s the cool part about not being obligated to do anything.  It’s volunteer stuff and if I don’t want to go I don’t have to go and then i can have a day to myself.  

I’m really hoping to make some friends that are into what I like to do because I’m really not into the bar scene like I have mentioned before and I’m more into the outdoor scene and doing something physical where I’m not just sitting on my butt.  I just need to regain my motivation to get out and to do these things that I’m saying I want to do.  I hope this isn’t just one of those things that are going to fade away.  I don’t see everything fading away because I def. want to learn about bikes and continue to do that but also because I hope that I will find some friends to continue to do things with.  

I also plan on seeing if I am still able to go up to a friend’s farm and hang out with them doing whatever.  I would love to learn their way of life of how they keep up with the farm and animals that they have.  Also, I’d just like to help out where needed.  As much as someone had called me selfish or “all about me”, I’m really not.  Given the chance or asked to help, I would help someone out.  But you have to show me that you are worth my time because if you are just asking because you are too lazy then I’m not willing to help.  If that makes me a horrible person then it does but I don’t believe it’s a bad thing.  Someone had also said that people should do nice things without expecting anything in return because that’s not how this world works.  Well, I do understand and can agree however, I still don’t see me doing outrageously nice things for people if they can’t do anything nice in return.  And nice in return not necessarily for me but for someone else, like “Pay it Forward”.  If I don’t see that you are a nice person then why should I help you?  Is that wrong of me to think?

My other thing is trust.  Some people would say I have trust issues however, I believe that with the experiences I’ve had in the past it has shaped me into how I think now.  Meaning that, trusting people before and having them stab me in the back has made me more cautious in choosing people to trust.  That doesn’t mean I won’t give people a chance to prove that I can trust them.  I will trust people with certain level of things to figure out if they are worth trusting or not.  I’m also a big observer.  I observe how people act, are with other people, what they tell me, just everything.  It helps me determine how much trust and how much effort and time I will put into getting to know someone as well as telling them things about me or what’s going on in  my life.  Something I’ve learned since moving from Boston and working in PA to coming to OKC, is that I need to separate work people from personal life people.  It seems to keep biting me in the butt every time I decide to confide in someone at work.  I feel like they can also use information about me against me in future instances to get ahead in work.  It’s not that I’m paranoid its just that I’ve seen it happen and have had things bite me in the butt.  Therefore, from now on, I will no longer confide really personal details to people I work with.  Unless I’ve worked with them for a long time and have had ample time to get to know them as a person in and out of work.  If I’m thinking too nuts then let me know but I’m drawing from life experiences that I’ve had over the past few years.  

I’m also thinking about picking up crocheting and crafts.  Small crafts because I don’t have much space or organizing things to be able to go all out.  Plus I don’t want the hassle of moving it all around whenever I have to pick up and leave again.  I’m making christmas ornaments and things this year for Christmas presents.  I don’t have all the cash in the world and thought maybe people would like a homemade thing.  Granted, the ones I got are laid out and pre-made which isn’t totally unique but give me a little credit.  I’m at least sitting down and putting it all together.  One of my ideas is all me putting it together.  Not sure who will get what but once I have it all made I can lay it all out and figure it out.  Maybe even make more personal gifts for a few people.  We will see.  Sometimes I say I’ll do something and then forget about it.  Though, I honestly don’t have much going on so taking my time up with crafts isn’t a horrible idea.  

Anyway, going on with life and with changes is a somewhat hard thing that I’m learning how to go with and not worry too much about.  Learning that I need to go out and explore things on my own and grow as a person and figure out who I am and what makes me, me.  I’v been doing a not so good job at it but you have to agree a little that working 84 hours a week when I first go out of college, didn’t leave too much room for a life considering I didn’t have my own place.  Now that I’ve moved to OKC and have my own place, I’m able to start all these things.  That’s another thing.  I may start looking into a church to go to.  My mom had mentioned a unitarian (?) type church, not sure if that’s the name but that’s what I’m going to look for.  She said it focuses on a more earthy tone rather than a “Jesus” one.  Not putting down anyone’s religion, just trying to figure out what I like and what I’m about.  We will see. 🙂Image

Here is a pic of a tree in OKC.  I love Autumn colors 🙂  Being outdoors and seeing things like this is kind of being in a church for me.  It’s where I find myself being grounded.

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