Just a thought

I went home for Thanksgiving to hang out with my mom and whomever i got to hang out with that week.  I went back to my college to say hi to a few of my professors which actually became really insightful.  One of them had said “well why do you want to come back to New England now? You’re still young, you got plenty of time to come back, like when you retire”.  

That same week i had also went back to visit my old boss at work, the one who was like a dad to me.  I’m not sure what it was but something had changed about him or maybe just his outlook had.  Not sure.  But he wasn’t the same old guy that I had known, not as welcoming.  Maybe I was outgrowing the life I had before I had moved to OKC.  It was a very unsettling feeling but at the same time an eye opener.  The women that also worked there that never really liked me, were also in the same room as him.  They looked at me like I had ten heads when I had walked in to say bye to him.  You could tell they were judging me.  I actually sort of enjoyed it because unbeknownst to them, I’m really successful in what I do and will probably do more in my lifetime then they ever will.  Made me feel proud of myself that I’m actually doing something.

With all that being said, it made me realize I have nothing left back in my hometown.  No one misses me (except for the fam of course), no one cares I’m gone, no one really even thinks about me.  So the questions was, “why do I really even want to come back here, why do I feel the need to feel like MA is the only place I can live?”  Realizing all of this helped me cope with how I’m in OKC and also how it’s an opportunity to start a life of my own.  Start fresh without people knowing my past, without people judging anything about me.  Which got me excited!

Also being newly single, it all kind of started coming together.  Being forced to figure out what I enjoy and what I want etc.  It’s def pushed me to really start figuring out the mechanics of my bike, start talking to people, and just do things I want; even if it is by myself.

On a different note…why can’t life be like these dang country songs?  A man that is crazy about you and doesn’t lead you on, doesn’t play the mind games, getting dirty in the mud, going to bonfires, etc?  I mean, I understand life isn’t all about partying and mostly everyone that knows me knows, that I’m not all about parties.  But I want to go have fun.  I want to meet people that hang out, makes fires, has a good time, listens to music, likes dirtbikes, just all around good time.  

Also, what is it with finding someone you could possibly see something in and then them calling it quits? What is this?  I don’t understand it.  I see all my friends getting married, having kids, having lives.  When is it going to be my turn?!  I know I’m not suppose to compare myself to others because obviously what you see on social networks is only the good times people have and not all the other in between stuff.  It’s just hard.  I know I sound whiny but I really don’t care, this is my blog to vent on so I’m venting.  I just want a man that is into what I’m into, doesn’t care that I’m a wicked tom boy, is willing to teach me things without being an arse about it, wants to go do stupid things with me, will be proud of me and show me off, etc.  Who knows if this will ever happen but maybe someday it will.  I’m not sure.  I’m trying not to search but it’s hard to…argh 


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